My birthday (part III)

Carefree, there I was, bachelorette surrounded, never caring less. I was now in my swimsuit, and thinking my day couldn't really get better. If my birthday ended now, I'd still see it as the best one yet.

The carefree-ness affected my vision, too. I walked right past the sign that read "MINERAL TUB WILL TARNISH SILVER JEWELRY." No worries. I knew i had none. I wasn't a jewelry wearer anyway. Gosh, I'm pretty low maintenance, huh? Now, post-massage ecstacy delerium has me thrilled and proud to not be wearing jewelry. My wooden boat doesn't count, does it? Not the wooden boat i wear around my neck that has broken so many times, it's a conglomerate of something wooden that with a good facelift may again resemble something once pretty. And, no, those aren't extra sails on the boat- it's gorilla glue..

So there I am, perched in my very first hot spring, wooden sailboat happily afloat. And as I looked down at my body through the bubbling water, to my surprise, there it was. I saw my hand lifting out of the water, towards my face. There, on my pinky, was my gold friendship ring shining, and beneath it, my silver elephants black as coal. My love ring from Him. Tarnished, dulled, and left dark by the waters healing me. My new day of healing had begun.

My trip to the cafe shortly after was not the gluttoness indulgence I had anticipated. I easily passed the nachos and calzones and walked to a table in the sun with a salad, fresh, juicy berries, and, of course, a glass of champagne.

My black ring sits on my hand now, as I write, a dark reminder of all that's gone, and what now must die. As i toast myself with my champagne, I feel the sun shining down on me and this mountain i'm at the foot of, taking me back, taking me away, lifting the pain. I've waited patiently for my hope to return, and with my eyes squinting towards the mountain top, I can see it coming.

My birthday (part II)

Connie's waiting for me outside the room, and as I thank her, i feel a special glow from my eyes and heart. I hug her as if she is a dear friend, because she now is. As she's holding me, i muster "thank you." She pulls away and says "I knew as soon as I put my hands on you that you needed me. I prayed for you while you were on that table, and I know that everything is going to be ok."

I walked away, and to the hot springs, still in the dress I was wearing as I arrived.

Only a few hours earlier, I had answered the phone with my best friend on the other end. I told her how much I wanted to be excited about my birthday. Trying to think of what to do that I could get excited about doing. First, it was the wineries in Santa Barbara, but my head kept flashing to twilight, each sip of wine bittersweet with knowing I'd need to somehow drive home. "Maybe a massage," I told her. As we hung up, and I summoned the vitality it took to get out of bed, I searched "spas, LA.." Such and such Westwood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica. No thanks..

Halfway down the page, I noticed the words "hot springs." In LA? Not possible..

60 miles outside, to be exact. And as I continued to scroll down the page, there were the words that got me dressed; "Free admission on your birthday."

I was in the car 10 minutes later, in a dress, with only my purse, and a swimsuit stuffed inside. Driving down the 10, I called to book a service. The man at the hot springs wished me a happy birthday, but, he said "the spa has been booked solid for weeks." Little did i know, this place was a secret to enough people that a Saturday in June was assuredly not the time to go. Bachelorrette parties, anniversaries..

But the car wouldn't turn around. It passed exit after exit, continuing on course. Ok. So i was still going. At least i could sit in the mineral hot springs. That would be cool. Never done it..

After half an hour on the 10, I realized the directions were leading me straight into the desert. I should've guessed at this point that the experience would be magical. In the past three years, the desert is where i've gone to heal. Never realizing that each trip would change me profoundly.

As I parked the car, and walked up, I heard the voices of the bachelorette party people and anniversary party people, all probably conversing with eachother. I wouldn't be fitting in here today, would i...

At the front desk, I got a high-five from the guy checking me in. "Happy Birthday!"

I told him that i was here to sit in the spring, and he explained that there were several for me to sit in. I pictured myself, gracefully spending the day going from one hot tub to the next, never getting bored of the hot water or the bachelorettes.

I saw a menu for the cafe, and knew a gluttoness lunch would be exciting. Maybe i'll even sip champagne in the hot spring, excuse me, hot spring(s).

I confirmed with the high-fiver that all services at the spa were booked solid, and he confirmed with a regretfull nod and an expression i can best describe as "angst." Then, as he double checked, I saw the blue glow of the screen illuminate the angst into ecstatic disbelief. "Can you be changed in 10 minutes?!!"

"Um. ok?"

A big, blank area in the massage schedule.

"This never happens.." I had heard something similar from the dude on the phone when i was driving. The cancellation policy was 24 hours, meaning appointments rarely got cancelled the same day, as the cancellee would be charged in full.

But, alas, someone had done it.

And in 10 minutes, there would be a massage therapist with an empty table. for me.

Turns out, it was Connie.

ANd after my time with her, as she claimed that it was a miracle that I was there when I was, I agreed with her.

birthday

I didn't quite realize the magic that unfolded for me today until the first few tears ran under the paper towel covering my eyes and Connie the massage thereapist was holding my left palm in hers.

Ah, the sun came down just for a moment now. Peeked around the side of the cloud cover that's been gently resting at the foot of this desert mountain hot springs with me. The lyrics to Going to California remind me that this is a place where i know my dreams are safe.

And, as Ruby Tuesday has always told me, "Lose your dreams and you will Lose your mind."

Right here, right now...no place i'd rather be. It was everything I wished for but didn't know I found.

As I woke up this morning alone, on my birthday, I knew that the day could be rough. I had made no plans and had no one to share it with. I took the day off work, just by default, because working on my birthday would be the only thing worse than spending it alone.

But i soon realized it wasn't up to me.

With my eyes open for only a few moments, and a million unfortunate, self-pitying thoughts already well on their way into my heart, I heard the phone ring.

There was my best friend, J, talking me awake, even when i didn't want to be. From 2000 miles away, she assured me I wasn't entirely alone. We talked about wine country. I thought about the feeling of wine, sun, and my "breeze." That was, after all, what I craved more than anything. My breeze.

Throughout the breakup, logical thought didn't take me where i needed to go. I avoided my practice, my realtionship with God, with myself. I avoided my "yoga" in every sense of the word, and I avoided all the paths of self nurturing I could have taken. I allowed myself to walk a rocky path of self pity, guilt, and contempt; all disguised as the processes of forgiveness and deep love.

As I lay on the massage table, eyes covered, Connie pressed gently on my chest, pulling it open and wider with the pulling apart of my shoulders. I felt the darkness sitting there, and I was ashamed of the strength in her hands it took to move it.

I realized, then, that the magic had shown up for me on my magic day.

Without knowing it, I had chosen to love myself. I had chosen to heal, and I had chosen to once again be new.

I had a choice today, and knew what I wanted it to look like. But on that massage table, I felt my breeze in the most unlikely of ways. In the darkest of rooms, from the slowest of movements, and in the stillest of air, I felt the strongest of breezes.

the gift of song

it funds. takes me away. it saves. tears apart the softness of the heart. it burns, and stings, as it takes me personally just as i take it,

it sweeps in like waves of tingling heat, wafting through the pieces of me only it can touch. and as it never hesitates to intoxicate the flesh, it makes love to me like nothing else can

living for breeze

i want to end up by the water- in the south pacific. with rope wrapped lamps and fresh fish, and mermaids and motorcycles.

iwant to end up not barefoot but with even parts strappy tropical sandals and boots. horses and boats. motors under my feet. land and water to ride and maybe a man. sun=kissed. breezy. 

laughter and easy breeze. yellows whites and greens. daffodils and orchids. ivy. and seeds.