a visit from my self.

While meditating today, I was visited by an old friend- my real self.

There isn't always 'time' to let her in.  Simply saying that, I wonder about all of the other menial things in life I do allow time for.  If not myself, who is important enough for my time? My friends, the guy in my life, my emails, my job, and lord knows, the lure of default discontent.
I've always struggled with commitment. Things always seem to bore me after a while. I want to do things i've never done, and keep searching, looking, shopping, discovering.  Commitment in romance is coming more naturally to me, and i've made such headway with sitting in something long enough to grow from it.  I've stuck with my last few jobs longer than I had wanted to, and I'm going on 3 1/2 years in L.A., as of this week, with my last escape attempt over two years ago.  I've learned the value of commitment, and i'm on my way to trusting it.  But how did I somehow forget my commitment to who realy needed me? myself.

In an attempt to have a more diligent meditative practice, I've found that a great time for me, that is easy to remember, is right after the shower.  It is a time, when given the luxury of silence, I can look at the bathroom floor as a safe haven for diving in.

Home alone today, the opportunity presented itself.

I don't know how much time passed before I realized she had arrived. But I knew my real self was there with me. She's a character, that self of mine- I love her so much. First things first, she reminded me not to take anything too seriously, and as my body relaxed with my breath, i awoke, really, in the stillness.  My hands woke up, too, and is of to say "hello, we're all yours! We're your own hands!"...rose up, one on top of the other, and placed themselves on my heart with an ease as if to also say "remember us?"
At the moment, my hands are typing away on my keypad, and reaching for my coffee cup every so often.  It's hard to believe that at that time they had so much to say.

So, as my hands gracefully showed me what they needed to, I showed up, too. I wasn't in prayer as I sometimes am- I was consoling someone I didn't know needed it.
This girl I found myself consoling has been aching and sore. She has been needy, lost, but most of all just very, very confused.
She had found herself in love again recently.  She loves being in love. With him. It's a place she loves to be. But as she found herself there, she couldn't avoid the darkness that also existed, looming there as it always has. waiting for her.
The pain is something she manages every day. Her pills she takes for her heart come in the form of other people, and other experiences, that she finds joy in loving and in finding gratitude for.  The pills come in the form of the things she does every so often to love herself, like yoga, or a massage, or a long, hot bath.
She's taken a few pills lately from a man, who says he loves her. A man she was beginning to believe. A man she was even thinking she might trust.

This girl has had a rocky road with trust. She never wanted it to create bitterness in her. She could see how much misery was in the eyes of all the people whose hearts were closed to trust. And she knew she never wanted that to happen.

This man that she has thought about trusting is a man who has earned it. Recently, however, something challenged the security she was building. The man did nothing wrong, but when she confronted him, he misunderstood her need, and dismissed it.

As she sat on this bathroom floor, with her hands on her heart, she knew what she had to do.  She sunk in, opened that heart of hers with her own love, and told herself that it was ok.  That she knew she was hurting, that she knew why, and that she would always be there to take care of her.

On the bathroom floor, the girl placed her past in front of herself and forgave it. With closed eyes and an open heart, she could finally let go of the need to be strong.  She felt her body, over the years grown from something small to something muscular and fierce.  She felt the stamina she had built to work hard and jump high, slowly but gently release. She saw the visions of her learnings; when she learned how to make money, how to stand tall, how to live alone, how to walk alone.  And she felt compassion for that girl who needed to do all of that, who had done it with an aching heart, and who had done it desperately.

Deep down, that girl who once counted on someone that let her down- knew that there was no need to keep looking for someone else who never would.  She was there, alone, on the bathroom floor, and it was she who had always been there, and who would always be.

Forgiving herself, she forgave all others. And the open heart that allowed her to do so, softened so that she could do more.  Her soft heart is now ready to love someone who would love to love her.  Ready to begin the commitment of a lifetime. Perhaps even the commitment to the man. There she was, readier than ever for the commitment to herself.

the baby in my life

I watched Baby Miss Mina today for a whole hour by myself.

This is big for any and all of the following reasons:
1. i haven't babysat in several years, and the responsibility one feels for someone else's child was a feeling I had kind of forgotten. It is intense.
2. Baby Miss Mina is only 10 months old, and is blessed to have a full time mom, my friend Darcy, so she hasn't been exposed so much yet to being on her own.
3. Baby Miss Mina is really cool, drop-dead gorgeous, and very well dressed.. making her a super-cool baby to hang out with.

Yes, she fully turned around and stared at me through the little window of the stroller top for a while as i walked her...but then obviously deciding i was cool, turned back around. (or just got tired.) After that, we went to get chai lattes, (latte) looked at roses and birds of paradise, then pointed at them, and then sat stationary for a whole 10-20 minutes (who's counting) because i locked the stroller and didn't know how to undo it.

No, i never took her out of the stroller. Why mess with perfection???
Mina, Me, and the Stroller are on the road to trust. I can just tell.