what?

yesterday i woke up from a nap crying...and today i woke up humming zippadeedoo-da.

down town

standing alone

people are often not seen as individuals.

the outer dimensions, the people surrounding them, the partner at their side.

as i stand alone, i feel questions on the faces of others. there is so much unknown about a girl on her own in the world.

i feel the questions of the eyes burn. i feel judgement, curiosity, and ignorance even through layers of thickened skin.  skin i've earned as a warrior of how i've often stood.

eyes see, and eyes judge.  it is what a being is surrounded by that creates the picture. the only picture that human eyes are able to see.

at this juncture, i will stand ever strong by the side of those I love. 

But it's now that i choose to stand alone.

angles

at some angles, when i look at myself, i still see someone unrecognizable. unknown.

at the strangest of angles, i can still see the smallest of girls.

dead on, with a quick qlance, i sometimes see someone perhaps resembling a woman.

the first time i ever noticed it was..uncomfortable. i don't feel ready to see her yet.

i only hope that eventually, i'll be strong enough to hold all of my angles. that i learn to appreciate each one. and that none of them go away. so when i'd like to, i can see this being however she needs to be seen. 

2am mojave lost

6 rows towards mountains, facing pepper trees. lot 3. aisle across from lot 2/horse crossing sign. right past flags to left when walking towards big row of biggest palms

no origin

definitions, suffocation, aware and open eyes. look to me oh terror face. my my my. 

lover and laughter, grace and appeal. lift those others up i tell you. heaven's the deal.

waking up slowly

i'm no longer allowing myself to wake up slowly. 

it's the slowness of the transition from dream to reality that with such ease stirs up the gentle tornado of mind.

my mind is at times my worst enemy. the one i dislike, in particular, because i know i won't ever see it die.

as my mind awakes, i feel it gasp for its first breath, struggling to escape from the dreams it knows i wanted to stay nestled within.  as the battle continues, i realize the need to surrender. and each morning, i do. but each day shows its awkwardness to me. because it's in my dreams that i belong.

elapse

i used to write daily.  in school, it was an assignment. for my degree, torcher. but now, it is my freedom.

time has gone by. until my new printer comes. until my desk and chair are purchased. until i put my feet down somewhere, here i am with my screen, and the only outlet for this thing of mine. This thing which has, over this elapse of time i call my life- become quite infamous. 

it's transformed, grown, been killed, and rebirthed. so, until i find another way in to comfort it, to nurture it, to let it know it's all right..i allow myself this bit of time to let it speak. in doing so, i protect it with the umbrella of awareness.  i hold it up to the light for all to see.  i let it learn itself.  but most importantly, i let it run free.